I bought those Tampax® Radiant tampons that (according to the above commercial) make co*k-blocking bimbos disappear @parties instantly. And I think mine are broken, cuz those beeyatches are still standing there makin' the moves on my Mr. Right (he's writing a screenplay!!!) while I stand here bleeding in my aloneness. But if I just happened to purchase a bum box, and the magical tampons DO work.... if their cotton suppositorial superpowers really DO make evil vanish in a flash, why are we not using them more as a force for GOOD in the world? Like maybe release an army of them on Bashar Al-Assad and his murderous soldiers of genocide in Syria? I can picture it now....
ANDERSON COOPER: "Good evening. We begin tonight... keepin' 'em honest. We're going to show you some footage that is, well, hard to look at. If you have any small Hassidic children in the room, you might want to ask them to leave. Again, CNN can neither confirm nor deny the authenticity of these images..."
EXT. SYRIAN DICTATOR'S PALACE. DAY.
BASHAR AL-ASSAD ADDRESSES HIS FEW REMAINING SUPPORTERS IN THE ROYAL SQUARE. THRONGS OF COURAGEOUS BUT TERRIFIED REBEL FORCES ARE SEEN HUDDLING IN THE DISTANCE, WAITING FOR THE TIME TO STRIKE.
ONE LONE, BURKA-CLAD REBEL (FEMALE, LATE 30S, STUNNING, THINK MARY BIRDSONG*)
*CASTING NOTE: We've got an offer out to RACHEL WEISZ for the role of MARY BIRDSONG, but if we can't get Rachel, then we're going to CARMEN ELECTRA. And if we can't get her, maybe MEG FOSTER. And if we can't get her? Shit, I don't know what to tell ya if we can't Meg. Maybe MARY BIRDSONG? It's a long shot but it's just nutty enough that she might do it!)
OUR LONE FEMALE REBEL APPROACHES THE EDGES OF ASSAD'S PUBLIC SQUARE, CONCEALING A SMALL WEAPON UNDER HER BEDAZZLED BURKA. ON THE BACK OF HER GARMENT THE NAME "MARY BIRDSONG" IS SPELLED OUT IN PURPLE RHINESTONES, WHICH GLEAM IN THE STARK SYRIAN HEAT. ASSad IS FINISHING UP A JOKE IN HIS SPEECH THAT IS MET BY CONFUSED SILENCE. A LONE VOICE PIERCES THAT SILENCE. THAT VOICE IS MARY BIRDSONG.
MARY BIRDSONG: "Hay ASSad! Take... THAT!"
Sexy slow-mo shot of a super-plus "pon" hurtling through the war-torn, smoke-filled Syrian skies toward the evil, sissy-pursed mouth of ASSad. And then....
Buh-BAM! A super-plus "pon" plugs him miraculously right in the kisser.
EXT. SYRIAN DICTATOR'S PALACE:
Reaction shot of his minions. Then ee pull out to reveal that Bashar Al-Assad has just.... disappeared. Thousands of Syrian rebels and their children shout for joy, rushing the square.
MARY BIRDSONG: Whatsamattuh NOW, huh, ASSad? Tampax Radiant® tampon got your tongue? Hey, where'd that dictator go? Oh, that's right, I guess you forgot. My between-the-legs-cotton-candy-grenade has magical superpowers that make evil dictators disappear! Snap! Awwwwww, yeah! You just got "ponned", ASSad!"
FADE TO RED.
Or perhaps I could just whip one out the next time some old Hassidic dude doesn't wanna shake hands with me because my "Aunt Flo" might be visiting? I think Tampax® is on to something, here. But in the meantime, they either need to make these party-sluts amscray, or gimme my menstrual-money back! Right now? Their claims of superpowers seem to be bloated white lies at best.