Tuesday, February 25, 2014

AZ: Would U Like Those Fries Sodomized? (I meant SUPER-sized!) HOW 2 TELL IF YR CUSTOMER IS GAY

In AZ, Christian Business Owners Publish 1st Ever "Right To Refuse Service" Employee Training Manual!

AZ fast food worker

Dear Arizona- What I want to know is how the hell you're gonna determine who is gay and who isn't.  What's the litmus test?  Will you ask your (potential) customers what their sexual preference is before handing them that turkey club?would u like those fries sodomized?  AZ Christian business owners against gays 

AZ Christian business owners struggle with the abomination known as... tolerance.

When the bigoted haters of the 50s and 60s discriminated against African-Americans, at least they could be almost certain that they were discriminating against the correct "target" of their hatred. But in this case?  

Anyway, my hat is off to you business-owners if you are fully-prepared to make your customers prove their homosexuality before serving them.  I doubt you'll actually follow through with it, but here's how I like to imagine this shit going down (pun intended):

Male Customer W/Good Abs:    Yeah, hey.  I'll have the chef salad and a large bottled water, please.

AZ Clerk:     (thought bubble) Hmmm... he has good abs.  And all his teeth.  And clean hair.  And that's a pretty sharp outfit.  ah HA! Cock-sucker!

AZ Clerk: (spoken) Sir, I'm afraid it is against my faith to serve you this chef salad on account of your obvious homosexuality, which is an abomination.  

Male Customer w/Good Abs:  Um... I'm not... gay.

AZ Clerk: Ha ha ha (not gay).  NOT GAY??? Like hell you're n-- Hey everybody!  This fruit here says he's not gay!  Well, sir... to that I say "Prove it!"  

Male Customer w/Good Abs: That's ridiculous.  Look, can I just get my salad?

AZ Clerk: Suck my cock!  

Male Customer w/Good Abs: Wh--at?

AZ Clerk: You heard me!  I said suck my cock!  Don't act like that's not what you want.  Or maybe you're what I heard tell they call a "top."  Is THAT it?  Well, if you want that super-faggy chef salad so bad then you'll have to go through my butt-hole to git it!  If you enjoy it having gay sex with me, then I am not gonna serve you.  Not now and not never again. But if you HATE having gay sex with me in front of all these good Christian folks in line here, then I will serve you that super faggy commie chef salad annnnnd throw in a slice of hot apple pie!  

(Drops his jeans to his ankles, bends over)

AZ Clerk: Go on, now!  Do it!  (BEAT. ) That hot apple pie in my butt hole is gittin cold now!  (LONG BEAT.  A child cries.)  Sir?  Sir?

IF THERE'S ANY DOUBT LEFT IN THE MINDS OF AZ BUSINESS OWNERS ON HOW THEY SHOULD TRAIN THEIR EMPLOYEES TO HANDLE SUCH A DELICATE SITUATION, HERE IS A TRAINING VIDEO WHICH MAY BE OF SOME HELP.  FROM ARTIE LANGE'S "BEER LEAGUE."  I'M IN IT TOO.  YOU'RE WELCOME.

Click the big blue link below to read some really INTELLIGENT, RATIONAL writing on the Southern Poverty Law Center website.

Arizona’s right-to-refuse-service agenda is as wrong as Jim Crow | Southern Poverty Law Center.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST:  You MUST watch this short interview by CNN's Miguel Marquez (incidentally, he's dreamy, but that's not the point) that was on super-awesome Erin Burnett's "Out Front" last night.  He asks this AZ business owner who runs a Christian business networking website if she'd permit gays after she says it's basically a non-issue to her.  Wait til you see what happened.  It's perfect.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Harpy Noon Yard! (%!*@!!) I mean... Happy New Year! From me and Auto-Correct™

(Psst! if you like this post, please subscribe!  And then go to my official blog.  So you can be all.... official.  Subscribe there too! Please? Here's the link: http://marybirdsong.com)

On behalf of the good people at Auto-Correct®, I'd like to wish you all the happiest of New Years-- free of mistakes, flubs, faux-pas, screw-ups, and just plain EPIC FAILS!

Barring that, may you have access to spell-check.  And barring THAT?  Well, there's always white-out.


auto-correct new year's wishes - YouTube.

On high-pressure holidays like New Year's Eve, sometimes it's hard to know if you're having a good time or NOT-- so here's a tip.  If what you're doing looks like THIS?IMG_4299You might wanna hit a DIFFERENT party.  (Unless, of course, you dig sitting silently on an empty staircase, which... ya know... in that case, knock yourself out and order some cheese fries while you're at it.  And tell me where you'll be doing this cuz I'll totes join you.

Mary Birdsong is an actress, a writer, and a lover of hats. Mary Birdsong is an actress, a writer, and a bad speler.[/caption] How 'bout now?